We are a few weeks away from our thirty third wedding anniversary which makes us...old! We were engaged in our teens and married shortly out of them, a choice we are relieved our children have not made. Yet for all the ups and downs of married life through the years we have continued to love each other and derive great comfort and pleasure in the company of the other.
Yesterday the Toronto Star wrote up a British poll which tried to get at the "recipe for a good marriage. I quote directly: "You need to say "I love you" daily, share two hobbies, and have sex three times a week. And that's not all. You're supposed to communicate – phone, text or email – three times a day during work hours, enjoy two romantic meals a month and exchange four kisses and three cuddles daily."
Hey, no pressure here. As idealistic as this sounds, my conversations with folk whose marriages are "going south" often show that these expressions of affection, both verbal and physical have waned. There are the feeble excuses that after years together they shouldn't have to actually say "I love you" or that life is too busy for cuddles or sex. Shared interests, communication, and affection all make a lot of sense. They are a lot better than indifference or resentment.
Lots of people still choose to get married in churches, and we like to say marriage is God's intention for commited couples, so encouraging and supporting good marriages seems to be part of our job description.
What do you think of the recommendations? Shared values, including a shared faith commitment seems important to me. I can hardly wait for your answers.
8 comments:
I agree with the recommendations.Shared ideas, communcation and lots of love are good but so is being your own person.We did not get married in a church. I have been with my partner 28 years with faith not entering the equation. Looking forward to 28 more. Happy Anniversary to you and Ruth in a few weeks.
I should have added in that we have faith in each other.
Text or phone 3 times a day during work hours!That would be a recipe for divorce. Personally I would feel like I was being stalked. I guess there is no career in marriage counseling for me.
I too agree that shared interests, communication and affection are very important ingredients in the marriage recipe. But putting numbers on them seems a bit arbitrary.
I agree with pupil that 3 phone calls a day borders on stalking!Unless you're newlyweds... in which case...3 calls a day might be just right!
I have often wondered how much of a strain it puts on a marriage when each member of a couple are of a different faith.Presumably you would know this entering into the union and would have considered the implications for the future.
Thanks for the responses. Maybe there will be more. It sounds,Laurie, as though you do have shared values and communication, which are so important.
It occurs to me that for all the jokes about the sexual passion of newlyweds it is the eagerness of the more recently in love to share life with each other. There aren't many newlyweds who come for marriage counselling. It is the oldyweds who live in a less than satisfying truce or constantly snipe at their partner.
Ruth and I talked about communication in our marriage and figure that at least one contact in each day (easier with email) helps us to stay connected. Nearly always brief and often mundane, it beats the "cone of silence" for a third (or more) of each day.
We are also fortunate to share a number of interests.
Sometimes our busy lives do seem to make it difficult to connect, but we both feel that absence acutely, and then deliberately find time to share together. Marriage is a journey and it can be a lot of work. The kisses and snuggles and companionship make it worth it.
Nothing says I Love You more than moving me to Port Hope! Oh that and giving me the black and red ju jubes! We are coming up to 38 and that after knowing each other for 6 weeks. We're still getting to know each other!
I also agree with the recommendations, I think keeping things interesting within a couple, even if only trying new things together or learning something new together and also enjoys time apart outside of your workplace helps to give a good marriage balance as well. Even though my husband and I are only approaching our 3rd wedding anniversary I still find some kind of communication during the day while apart for work helps me feel connected to him.
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