On Thursday I presided at the funeral for a guy who died at the age of 49. It was an emotional service for his wife and three daughters, all of whom loved him deeply. I did my best to move through the service with care and strength for those who were feeling bereft and fragile.
Some days go from sad to sad for clergy. I went directly to Oshawa hospital to see a man in his sixties who is dying of cancer. As with the deceased man, he is not one of our flock but in each case I have become connected through the request of family who attend St. Paul's. He has been in and out of hospital and tried every form of treatment. He has been valiant in his fight but unwilling to have a discussion with his family about death, which has been hard on them.
Something changed this week. When I sat down with him he told me that he had "given up." I asked if he has given up or come to a place of acceptance -- I see the two as quite different. He thought about it for a moment and then claimed the latter. He has already initiated plans for his funeral and is getting his affairs in order now that he realizes no treatment will make a difference. Courageous of him. He offered too, that it makes a difference when you believe that this isn't the end. I agreed.
At the end of our visit I offered to read a psalm and pray. When we got to the prayer he reached out his hand. It was such an intimate and holy moment, yet I really didn't get to know him until a few months ago. I am weary of death and dying these days, but I'm glad that I could be the pastor with whom he shared these thoughts.
4 comments:
You must have had so many moments with so many people like the poor man you mention.
Though they were likely tough moments for you personally, I imagine that they've made a difference for those who have reached out.
I like the distinction you have made between giving up and acceptance. I will have to remember that.
I, too, am weary of death. However, I was reminded today about the 'balance'. A young woman that I know had a baby early this morning and at almost the same time the grandmother of a friend died. It is the circle of life.
Those moments that you have David, altho' difficult, are such 'gifts' to you. I know that you know that.
We so must celebrate life but on the other hand not be afraid to discuss dying. Much easier to do when you're not actually in the process of it. Our society has such difficulty engaging in that conversation. We (especially baby boomers - of which I am one) think we will go on forever! It's been my experience that that is not true.
I got word this morning that the man I visited has died. I am so grateful for what you aptly describe as a gift Lynn. Now we will give thanks for his life.
Thanks Ian and Deb for your thoughts as well.
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