A book order has arrived with two additions to my burgeoning collection on the subject of forgiveness. One is Embodying Forgiveness by L. Gregory Jones and the other is Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace by Miroslav Volf. It could be argued that I am obsessed by the subject, although I would respond by saying that it is because forgiveness is a recurring subject in real-life discussions with those who seek me out. The spiritual tug of war matches individuals, families, and even congregations engage in never seem to abate. Of course, forgiveness is intertwined with God's love in Christ.I read recently that the 32 Chilean miners trapped underground for two months have made a pact not to speak about the first 17 days before contact from the surface. Book and movie rights to those days will likely make them all wealthy. At least one has offered a "teaser" saying that when any one of them messed up under the many pressures of being trapped the individual was required to stand before the others and ask for forgiveness. It was a big factor in saving their sanity and solidarity. Is that what we should all do I wonder?
How are you doing when it comes to "laying your burdens down?" I find that just when I think I have chased the demons of anger and resentment out the door, I turn around and discover they have sneaked back into the room and they're grinning at me! Are you able to forgive those who have wronged you, and have you sought forgiveness from those you have wronged? Does knowing that Christ forgives you make a difference to your ability to let go?
12 comments:
This is a very timely blog, David. I am currently in a major battle with my ex, which is proceeding through the court system(at a snail's pace, but at huge cost).
After 6 years of separation, I feel it is time both parties get on with their lives. I now have a wonderful relationship with a woman, and my daughter and I are very close.
Unfortunately, my ex has taken things to a new and disturbing level, as she has decided my happiness and moving on should not be permitted. She is now resorting to blackmail and extortion on completely false allegations.
So, in answer to your question, forgiveness to such a person is not in my vocabulary. I simply cannot forgive her for her vindictiveness against me, and for her manipulation and controlling of our daughter.
Maybe I should not have turned the computer on today! Sorry to start the comments on such a negative note!
I am a work in progress! I am so much better now than when I was younger. I do think that "moving through this life " (I'm trying not to say "getting older") has something to do with letting things go. I still feel anger, resentment, disappointment, etc. etc, however, I find that I'm able to move through them a lot faster. I, truly, don't hang on to things. As I "move through this life" I no longer want to hold onto feelings that take joy from a minute of my day. It is such a cliche but when i figured out that I couldn't control what people do but I could control how I react to it my life became less...hhmmmm....agitated! Trust me, I am no Pollyanna (this is to cover myself in case you see me in an 'agitated' state) but in comparison to my 40's perhaps I am! Hats off to the 60's!!!!
You know, Johnny - that's tough. I think what you and many others are going through really goes back to those feelings from when you were a kid.
If someone hit me or hurt me as a child, my initial reaction was to see red and go for the jugular. Even as an adult, it's hard - brutally so - to move away from that impulse. Even after the dust clears, I'll occasionally find my resentments returning to fire me up. Letting go of them gets easier over time, but some slights are just etched in, it would seem.
I deal with moments like that with exercise. I take it out on the poor barbells at the gym, or on a pile of pucks in my driveway. Having a physical outlet for built up resentment seems to help me get by!
Lynn, it is definitely not a cliche but a reality...and as you said, we can not control what others do...we can only controle how we react to their actions. It has taken me years of reflection and hard work to "learn" to forgive and I am a work in progress for sure. But...the hardest was to forgive myself for the feelings of guilt and resentment I had when my father took his life and just when I thought I had moved through those feelings of anger my brother committed suicide 5 years later. Forgiving someone who is living is hard enough but forgiving a loved one who is no longer with us is tougher and tougher still to forgive yourself for feeling anger and resentment. Living each day to the fullest and loving unconditionally (as Christ did and does) is the way I have dealt with my anger and pushing it out of the way to make room for forgiveness is what got me through. Lynn, I am almost 60 and I totally agree, hats off to the 60's and "moving through life" one forgiving day at a time.
For many years I could not forgive my father, then I read the sentence, “understanding means there’s nothing to forgive,” referring , I think to mental illness if I remember. At any rate it led me to attend meetings with the Friends of Schizophrenics and to read everything I could about mental illness and brain chemistry. The illness in question was not exactly Schizophrenia but at the time there was no where else to go when dealing with psychosis in general. I found in time that there was some truth to that sentence. The more I educated myself, the more I was willing to let go of bits and pieces of anger, the more I could sympathize with my father, the more I came to understand his helplessness and my mother’s despair in what must have been such lonely times for her. There is a lot of injustice growing up with and depending on adults in such crisis. It’s hard to forgive terror.
Later, I concentrated much of my reading on the idea of co-dependence and family dynamics. I didn’t start out searching to forgive, but I somehow knew instinctively that the clue to survival could be found there. For many years I couldn’t understand why people don’t just commit mass suicide. The world seemed that hopeless. Knowledge set me free. It opened the window wide enough to see forgiveness as even remotely possible. That light shining through that razor thin crack in the curtains must have been God with a flashlight frantically signally from the depths of the dark shoreline.
It should be simple to transfer this experience to my present, but it seems each challenge sent must be approached from its own angles. I cannot forgive, can’t even begin to wedge the window open to the idea of forgiving a family member who hurt my son so badly the damage may never be repaired. This person has absolutely no personal insight into what he has done, and so any forgiveness I had to offer would spray into the wind. It hardly seems worth my effort.
All this age talk...interesting to think that maybe forgiveness is something that becomes "easier" with passing years and experience? Not always, I am sure, but nice to think when other things start failing, a few things are still improving.
In mid-life, I find I have grown to expect much less of people than I used to. I hate wasting energy on anger so this may be my defence mechanism kicking in...expect less...so less chance of disappointment, thus less need for forgiveness. As I think about it though , it seems kind of sad stance because God did gave us awesome potential as humans. So It may be condoning less than stellar behavior,or it may be in trying to understand what it is to be human, with all our flaws but as dmy states..we can only manage ourselves, not the rest of the world, so somehow we have to manage our negative emotions.
Lowering my expectations helps to deflect the more petty,careless stuff of daily life for me but for the deeper pain inflicted by others, other than looking to Jesus' example, I don't think there is a human solution. It's in the grace.
Wow, forgiveness. Can I forgive? Do I forgive? Well I'm with Lynn on this one. Life is too short to hold on to grudges. I don't always think that means total forgiveness, but it does mean moving on. We've had a few interesting situations in our extended family and even though things are somewhat back to "normal", there were a lot of hurtful things said and done. I know that all has not been forgiven, but we have moved on for the sake of our family and our sanity. This doesn't mean that I don't get angry, but it is much easier to let go of the anger when you see how it is affecting you and those around you.
WOW! This one sure sparked great conversation! I just wanted to comment on Laura's comment re expectations. I had been thinking about that after I wrote my blog. I feel that we often get disappointed because people have not met our expectations. BUT when you think about it we often haven't communicated what those expectations are. So, it follows that we sometimes "set ourselves up" for disappointment/anger without really knowing it. Well, that's enough from Dr. Freud!
Thanks Ian, I appreciate your comments. I do often take my frustrations out on the heavy bag, which helps. Anyway, thanks again!
I hope that other readers have taken the time to read through these comments. They reflect the emotion and hurt which can make forgiveness difficult as well as the wisdom of perspective over time. I appreciate the honesty.
My own experience as a pastor tells me that forgiveness is a process, not a dramatic moment, along the lines of rehabing an injury. And some injuries are scrapes and bruises while others are amputations.
It is wise to suggest that many of our grievances should be abandoned. Others reshape us whether we want them to or not. Either way we want to live abundantly and forgiveness can be the best way to realize this goal. As convoluted as this will sound, I have never seen that not forgiving has made a situation better.
I agree that physical outlets can make a big difference, maybe more so for those of us who have to deal with testosterone -- "motion controls emotion" as a psychologist maintains.
Thanks to those of you who addressed the "God Factor." Yesterday someone who knows nothing about this blog showed up at my door needing to speak with me about forgiveness. She knows that God will need to give her the strength she can't find by herself.
To all of you, shalom.
I swear this is the last thing I say about this topic. However, I was heard a definition of forgiveness that I think is worthy of sharing. (yes, it's from Oprah)
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. (dmy...I thought of you when I heard this)
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