Last week I got a phone call from my wife, Ruth, who was outside a courtroom in Oshawa. She advised me that her client through Bethesda House, the women's shelter in Bowmanville, was in for a long wait and so Ruth might miss the event we were going to in the evening. Ruth does court accompaniments with women who will often face their abusers in the courtroom without benefit of family or friends at their side and they are terrified. There have been a few times when she has called to explain that she will be late or go directly to another appointment.
This happened the same day the Liberal leader, Michael Ignatieff, admonished an Alberta candidate who made inappropriate comments about sexual assault. It was unsettling to hear that he is a former judge, although he has seen how domestic assaults get ugly from both sides and are often a confusing mess.
What people don't understand, though, is that even when women seem to "give as good as they get" this is almost never actually true. In violent arguments women are sexually assaulted, or end up in hospital, or the morgue, exponentially more often than men. For the most part we guys are bigger, more aggressive, and more deadly. Deaths from domestic violence are more than 90% women.
It's not as though this message has come through with clarity in churches. Ruth will speak in a church soon and when she met with the planning group a man asked "where are the shelters for men?" While some men may need them, it is nearly always women who flee violence, with their children, often with their partners in angry pursuit. The photo above is of a Brampton woman who left her husband with their four teenagers. On April 1st he found her and stabbed her to death. The windows at the local shelter are bulletproof glass for a reason and the doors are all reinforced.
I appreciate that this isn't a cheerful topic, but because most of us don't see this side of society we need the reminders from time to time, other than a few grisly news items.
What are your thoughts about this, both as women and men?
5 comments:
It's a difficult issue to consider, and I suppose there aren't any easy answers as to why this kind of abuse/assault continues.
I'd also never considered the flip side of the coin (ie - "Why are there no shelters for men?") Until just now, I'd never, ever thought about the need for any.
I'd take a second to applaud Ruth for all she does in our community. What she sees can't be easy on her either, but she soldiers through.
Hats off.
This year is the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day. I hear the question sometimes as to whether it is necessary to to recognize a day such as this. Aren't women and men equal, at least in Canada?
Then I see statistics like the ones you gave, David, or the story recently about the police office who talked about how women are more likely to be attacked because of they way they dress, and it emphasizes the fact that we still have a ways to go.
I also applaud Ruth, and others like her, who do this work.
On the front page of Monday's Globe was a story from Nova Scotia, I believe, that told of a court decision not to find a woman criminally responsible for planning to have her husband/partner killed because she lived in such fear for her own safety because of his treatment of her. The court seemed to be recognizing that we are human, and when no safety can be found in the system, we can be driven to extreme action.
It had my stomach churning at what some women have to live with and also wondering how I would react faced by such fear....and feeling incredible gratitude for my safety. As a Mom of 3 daughters who will make their own choices, (as arranged marriage seems to not be an option) I do worry...
This post brought back memories of my childhood and my Mother's struggle with verbal and physical abuse by my father. I learned at a very young age that if I heard yelling/crying through the night all it took was for me to walk into the room and my being there would make it stop, at least for awhile. Sometimes it would seem like a dream the next day but as I got older I realized it was no dream. My family is from N.S. and I know from speaking with my Mom years later there was no support/shelter for women like there is today. If they were lucky they had support from their parents and siblings to remove them from the situation and protect them. In our case that is what happened, my Mom, myself and four brothers were moved to Ontario and to a new life. We attended a Catholic school and Church in Ontario (where wives were expected to stay in the home with their husbands for the sake of the family). Once I realized my Mom could no longer take the sacraments because of the divorce I knew it was time to look for a less rigid church. Ruth you are a special lady doing a very special job, your support for these women in their time of need is amazing and I too applaud all that you do for them and their families.
Thanks to all of you. Together you point out a number of important concerns.
Ian and Deb, you are right that after years of education abuse still occurs. So often conflict is a matter of emotion rather than reason and it can escalate too readily. Some of the work Ruth does is in schools with both general education and with both boys and girls groups addressing anger management.
Laura, I too have been nervous for my daughters although I am grateful that both are in stable relationships. That wasn't the case for one of them a few years ago.
Thanks dmy for reminding us that the issue of domestic violence is not "out there." I have spoken with a number of people in our congregation who grew up in abusive households or left abusive relationships.
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