Hmm. Apparently I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I meant to post this blog for Thursday, and for it to follow one I prepared for Wednesday. Instead it ended up as a later posting on Tuesday. So, I will now shift Wednesday's to Thursday. Clear as mud. Thanks for your patience dear readers!
I hadn't planned to complete the phrase which is the header from yesterday's blog entry, but after I wrote it I listened to one of a series of radio shows on CBC called Asunder. The series is about divorce and its impact on everyone involved, as well as on society http://www.cbc.ca/asunder/
I listened intently to the episode I happened upon because divorce is such a huge pastoral issue for clergy of all denominations. The statistical evidence is that couples from conservative churches are as likely to divorce as those from liberal denominations, and we all follow the trend of North American society as a whole.
I wonder how many couples on the brink of marital break-up my father and father-in-law spent time with during their ministries? Since both were ordained in the mid-fifties I'm guessing not many. For me there have been too many to count, or at least individuals who are exiting relationships. There are couples who seek out the support of ministers while they are experiencing difficulties. Sadly, I spend much more time with those who are sorting out the mess afterwards.
As I have said before, lots of people initially want to respond to this often traumatic experience with a grace and generosity rooted in their Christian faith. It's hard though, not to become adversarial.
We have probably all been through divorce, whether first hand or second hand. In most cases couples took their vows seriously when they made them, usually at the front of a church and before God.
What do you think happens? Is there such a thing as a happy ending to divorce?
My opinion, for what it is worth, is that there are not enough couples who work at being married. Marriage can be hard work, there are good times and bad times and generally the good times out weigh the bad. I think many find it easy to just walk away. I used to say, when we were planning our wedding, 20 years ago, that if more people worked at the marriage rather than the wedding, perhaps more marriages would last.
ReplyDeleteNow I certainly don't have my head in the clouds. I realize that life circumstances change, people change, others "grow up" and some just cannot live together any more. Is there such a thing as a happy ending to divorce? I don't know, but I have seen some people happier with life when the marriage ends. Two sides and a difficult topic.
Sometimes you think you knew the person you married, but the cold harsh reality only showed itself after marriage.
ReplyDeleteOther times, you saw the warning signs before marriage, but went ahead anyway thinking that things would be fine after you get married.
Separation is a time of high stress and emotions. It is difficult enough for children to experience this, without having the parents involve their children in matters that they shouldn't or using them as leverage against the other parent.
Before I separated, my marriage counsellor bluntly stated that if you are staying together solely for your child, I will be seeing her in my office in 15 or 20 years. So, divorce is never a great thing, but a marriage that has gone cold despite all efforts to improve it, is not a good thing either.
The problem after marital breakup is having the trust or desire to get back into a long-term, committed relationship.
Tough topic for sure.
ReplyDeleteI realize there are those who maybe shouldn't have gotten married in the first place (ignoring the warning signs) or didn't work hard enough on the marriage (working through those hard times)... but I would like to bring up another aspect of divorce. There is a stigma attached to the terms 'separated' and 'divorced'. A great deal of pain is associated with these processes and there is also the accompanying 'walk of shame' (whether perceived or actual) through the opinionated presence of the general public and even friends and family. I found that the second greatest difficulty going through divorce was this ostracizing stigma and associated guilt. The greatest difficulty was coming to terms that no matter how hard I tried, separation was inevitable.
There is definitely never a happy ending to divorce. Children suffer the most!
Without referring to it as a happy ending, there was a positive outcome in my case. I developed a deeper faith with God and a closer relationship with and increased trust in my closest friend, Jesus Christ. I am never alone in the presence of God.
Good points, all, and not much to add other than perhaps some historical perspective.
ReplyDeleteDivorce in Canada became 'easier' around 1967-8 when Pierre Trudeau was federal justice minister at the end of the Pearson administration. The Divorce Act of that year clearly laid out the framework for the dissolution of marriage in this country. Up until '68, we'd previously operated under the British Matrimonial Causes Act of 1857. That's right: eighteen freaking fifty-seven! This act, if you can imagine it, laid out the chief reason for a MAN to divorce his wife as adultery on her part.
Everyone's right, then: it simply didn't happen until the last third of the last century. The problem now of course is that it's almost TOO easy to get a divorce. You could pick one up at the corner store when you go for milk and garbage bags!
What Nancy said is true, and true especially of my gneration who are now in their thirties. We saw our parents separating in droves in the late 80s and early 90s. As such, it's now become more about the wedding as social/status event, and not about building a life together.
That life building stuff? We just don't know about it.
I have not had direct experience with divorce, but it is very prevalent on my dad's side of the family. All six siblings experienced divorce except my dad, and I think he would have joined them if he had lived. One uncle was married six times!
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother, in the 1940's, was divorced and remarried, so it is definitely not a something that only happens in the current generation, although I know it was not as prevalent as it is today, and I'm sure it wasn't easy for her.
I agree it is the children who suffer most when the family is going through divorce, but I know many children suffered when couples were unable to divorce. It is a sticky subject and has many facets. Another question to consider would be when marriage and life time commitments became so important to society.
Having married the first time at 18, I am thankful divorce is a possiblility. I can't imagine the pain and suffering of those women in the past who could not leave damaging relationships. But on the whole like Nancy I feel that people no longer view 'working it out' as an option. Compromising doesn't seem to even make the list of possible outcomes to mariage problems. We are so much for the individual that it seems to me we can't find ways to live together.
ReplyDeleteNow, this is why I am glad that people can and do comment on blogs. This entry is so much richer because of your thoughts on the subject. All of them add to the discussion in ways I could not accomplish through my initial thoughts. Thanks to all of you!
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