Recently I spent time with a member whose parent had died a few days before. She honoured her mom in the final weeks and hours before her death by her presence, and they prayed their goodbyes. It turns out, though, that she is the one sibling among a number who wants to have a service with a religious focus, or a gathering of any kind for friends and family. It isn't that they didn't love their parent or that this has created tension, they just aren't interested and neither was the mother.
It was a reminder of the changing rituals of our society and the challenges for families in their decision making at the end of life when emotions run high. A couple of years ago a man in the congregation approached me about doing a service for his father who had died several months before. Again, there was no service at the time of death, and the family gathering they arranged seemed unfocussed and disheartening. He admitted that it might only be his wife and adult children who attended, but could I help? It turned out the other siblings and their families came and the service we carefully planned proved to be a comfort for them.
I have written before that I'm not keen to move from being a minister to an MC at services which can take on a bizarre quality at times, and funerals don't generally make my day anyway. But there is an important aspect to "good grief" which includes a service where both mourning and gratitude are expressed and resurrection hope is upheld. There is an article in the latest United Church Observer called Give Grief a Chance and I copied it for the woman who came to see me. ucobserver.org
I have invited your thoughts on this subject before, but I would appreciate hearing from you again. After all, we are told that death and taxes are inevitable.
Coming up on 10 years since I lost my wife. Grief is always with me, it has just softened over the years.
ReplyDeleteThe whole process of arranging a funeral was automatic for me. I sort of sleepwalked through it, but had a tremendous amount of support from friends, family, and St- Pauls.
I can't imagine not honouring her memory.
To see the number of people who come out to support the grieving, or honour the dead, or both. This was a source of strenght for me. I knew for sure I wouldn't have to go it alone. Since that time I've made many new friends, and discovered friends I didn't know I had.
The dynamic changes over time, but I know that support is still there.
I was approached recently by a fine person who attends St. Pauls about talking to the kids about their mother, because she knew her, and the kids were too young to have had that privledge.
It's heart warming to know that after all these years she is in other peoples memories, and not just mine.
"Give Grief a Chance" by being open to everyone I feel I've done better than most in similar situations.
Thank you to all who I've reffered to. Although I don't use my name in this blog you know who you are, and who I am. My family and I are eternally grateful for the support,and friendship over the years.
God has chosen to bless us in one of those mysterious ways.
sjd...I just have to say thank you for sharing your hard earned wisdom wih us...your example is filled with such grace and love, and hope.
ReplyDeletesjd, I was going to respond in a manner similar to Laura, but she said it so well. Thank you for the honesty and the reminder that loss can come at any stage of life.
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