Monday morning I visited a member of the congregation who took a "that last step is a lulu" tumble from a ladder and ended up in Oshawa hospital. I sat in my car in the parking garage listening to an interview with the psychologist and researcher who wrote in the New York Times about the longevity of relationships, as well as publishing a book on the subject. her name is Dr. Meg Jay and her book is The Defining Decade which explores the assumptions of 20-somethings. Dr. Jay is the person to whom I referred last week in a blog. Her work has led her to conclude that, counter-intuitively, those who don't live together before marriage have longer lasting relationships.
She was quite calm in admitting that she has received hate mail from both sides, those who uphold the inviolability of marriage and those who consider her research flawed without looking at her methodology. She reiterated points from the article including that she has no ideological or moral bias toward marriage.
And she also noted that cohabitation can be very successful if both people enter into the relationship as a result of "deciding" rather than "sliding." Couples who decide that cohabitation is the beginning of a deep commitment are more likely than those who enter into the relationship because of convenience or to "test the waters." She is convinced through her research and practice that couples who discuss their intentions do better as staying together. She also noted that women are more inclined to see cohabitation as a sign of long-term commitment than men.
As I said in my response to the musings of my own blog entry and your comments, it is remarkable how ambivalent we have become to an institution which we once held in such high regard. I wasn't really satisfied with what I wrote or what I really wanted to say. Of course in religious communities we have always considered marriage as a commitment before God. I do believe in marriage as a covenantal act, even if it isn't a sacrament in Protestant churches the way it is in the Roman Catholic church
Any further observations on your part?
It certainly is a thought provoking subject. I also believe that "deciding and not sliding" makes a difference in the outcome of cohabitation. We will be married 39 years next month and have several friends whose initial marriages did not last more than 10-15 years. When I married at 21 I will admit that I was hoping for the best but would not be surprised if that didn't happen. My Mom and her two sisters were divorced and my Dad and his two brothers and sister were also divorced so my background and exposure to long term commitment was not the same as my husbands. He, on the other hand came from a family that did not have the word "divorce" in their vocabulary and the thinking was "for better or worse" and the fact that I came from a "broken home" did not go over well either. Perhaps it was the hope that I could/would be different or had found Mr. Right that changed my thinking, who knows. 3 of my 4 brothers are not in their first marriages but they did marry young and I believe age is a huge factor. Our children were engaged before they lived with their spouses so the commitment was already there. Today is our eldest daughter's 10th anniversary and it seems appropriate to write about long lasting relationships and marriage.
ReplyDeleteYou are making us think....
ReplyDeleteYesterday's blog had me realizing I was still thinking on this one.....
At the same time as your last blog on the topic, I had shared a conversation with a mature young lady who had spent that weekend at a Catholic marriage preparation class, with her devoted (and live in) fiance. She said 13 of the 17 couples in attendance were cohabitating. They were both working hard and saving for the wedding, while paying a shared mortgage. I asked how the priest responded to that statistic, and she said he just told them all to go to confession before the wedding. I admit I don't get "confession" and that response seemed kind of hypocritical but what else could he say...they all were nearing their wedding dates.
And I kept thinking...realizing I wasn't quite sure what I thought about it all and although I had been married for 20 years, and my kids weren't quite at that stage, it won't be long...
Today's insight is helpful...yes marriage is still sacred, but perhaps getting to the wedding on a different, but as you say intentional,committed path is a
modern reality.
I look to long,long term marriages often challenged by decline of health of one or both partners and I know marriage is sacred.
I'd add to the discussion that many people in my demographic are likely more concerned with the wedding as "event" than "demonstration of commitment before God."
ReplyDeleteSeriously: I've seen more people worried about the menu than the man they're going to marry!