I have asked Ruth, my wife, that if I should die of some disease such as cancer I do not my obit to say "after a lengthy battle," or words to that effect. I don't like the notion of responding to illness as combat of some kind. The people I admire most who live with disease do just that --choose to live. Whether it is chronic or wasting, they rarely speak of a fight against an enemy. They choose to carry on because they love their families and friends and appreciate the goodness of life even when they are ill.
I just read a review of a book I want to get called How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who is Sick. It is a great title, and sounds as though it is full of thoughtful and practical advice. Lo and behold, the author, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, has found that many people with illness don't like militaristic language. They want to achieve inner peace, whether on their way to recovery or death. As a Christian minister I figure my role is to be a "non-anxious presence" with those who are ill, not a cheerleader. And while I have had many conversations about eternity and our resurrection hope, we usually focus more on living well and saying what needs to be said with loved ones and friends.
How are you when it comes to supporting those living with serious illness? Can you be that loving presence or do you feel awkward, or unnerved? Have you got better at supporting people over time? Do you pray for others?
I have to admit that I find it somewhat awkward, and I have to remember that just listening to the person is one of the nicest things you can do.
ReplyDeleteIn many cases, they do not want advice or suggestions. Making time for them and showing them they are important and in your thoughts is what really counts.
I agree with roger. It's about being present and solid for the person. Listening is a great gift in those situations.
ReplyDeleteI remember when my Uncle Dave was really bad toward the end of his life. I decided to bring my guitar into the hospital room and just fingerpick for him while he drifted in and out.
I'll never forget, either, that moment when he realized what I was doing, shot me a huge smile and thumbs up and then drifted back to sleep. I got the sense that, as futile as I felt, that gesture was appreciated.
Rick Warren, well known author and pastor, whose young adult son took his own life recently, tweeted today "in the first shock of unspeakable tragedy,don't speak. Hug them, weep,just be there..' which granted might not work for ministers in their professional roles but has merit with a friend,as Roger and Ian said.
ReplyDeleteThe curriculum we use for Sunday School has an adult component and this week one of the activity choices it suggests is sharing of ideas around words of comfort because so many of us don't know what to say in a time of need. It suggests the participants imagine being ill in the hospital and a church friend coming to visit. What words would comfort them?...a great idea,I thought, for after the hug...like the book you referenced.