I'm not big on saying goodbye, but I have been doing a lot of it lately. I have been intentionally visiting folk, some who are elderly and can't get out to church, some who have serious illness and admit that they figured I would bury them. Leave-taking involves an emotional toll and I realize that a lot of people are not great at sorting through their emotions. As a couple Ruth and I are practiced at this, although practice does not make perfect. In fact, this is our most-difficult departure from a congregation. Part of this is the lovely group of people I have served. Part of it is our stage of life. Perhaps we have grown less resilient with age, and we also see the finish line in terms of ministry. Still, we are aware that eventually ministers move on.
At St. Paul's I have noticed some "burrowers," essentially hiding away from the reality that we are heading on to a different challenge. They have just disappeared from view and admitted to others they find this very stressful.
There are also a few "barkers," the people who are inexplicably angry that I would up and leave after "only" ten years. One person observed that St. Paul's ministers don't go on to other congregations. Of the past three lead ministers, totalling fifty-plus years of service, one took on a conference position while the other two retired. She also admitted that they have no problem poaching a new minister from other congregations, but it is offensive that I would commit pastoral adultery with another church. It's a bit much, but I get it. And I hasten to add that this was not the perspective of the individual who shared this with me!
Fortunately the majority have been "blessers," processing what is unfolding. They are coming to the realization that this is happening, and offering support and encouragement to both of us. After all, Ruth has a career as well, and she has made sacrifices and taken her leave a number of times because of the work I do and my sense of call.
I hope that this weekend we can all focus on the blessing, rather than the burrowing and the barking. God knows we need it for a healthy goodbye.
How are you with farewells? Do you have leave-aphobia? Where do you find yourself as you say goodbye? Will you be a blesser? Please!
7 comments:
I have to admit, I just don't get the fact that people are "angry" with you. Perhaps it's because I, too, have transferred a number of times in my career(although never in one place as long as your stay here). You and Ruth have to do what is right for you. Period.
Having said that, you will be missed. Your ministry has been wonderful, and I know you and Ruth helped me personally when I was going through a very rough time.
I just hope that you can find a gym in Belleville that carries those little rubber dumbbells(inside joke, folks).
I have also enjoyed your thought-provoking blogs, and hopefully you will keep those going. I assume it will be on another website.
Good luck to you and Ruth!
Surely the barkers can't be barking simply because you're leaving. There must be something else colouring that feeling because they've seen ministers come and go before ...
Interesting.
I am with Roger as far as trying to understand the "barkers"?? What is with this sense of entitlement?? We searched, you came, did the job and did the job well and now you are moving on and sharing your talents with another community, yeah for you and right now sad for us but we will search again and be fine. It is all very black and white to me and perhaps being in accounting for 40 years that is why I see it that way. However, I do know the position is far from black and white and also times have changed and it isn't 50 years ago anymore or even 11 years ago when Nancy left and moved on. We were blessed as well with Ruth and your lovely family and and we will bless you as you move forward in your career(s). You and Ruth were a gift to St. Paul's and the next minister will be a gift as well.
These comments represent what I trust is the majority perspective of a loving community. We all deal with change and loss differently. While I was a bit taken aback at the notion of people being miffed I can take it in stride. Thanks!
I personally think that the miffed barkers are likely the ones who are most fearful of change and their feelings are borne out of fear for the unknown. I'm only sorry that they can't keep their barks to themselves. Echoing the sentiments of DMY, this sense of entitlement is unwarranted.
I understand that a minister is looked to as a leader of his flock. Your role is important and for many, they have leaned on and depended on you. I imagine that many members of the congregation have shared some of their most private vulnerable selves with you in a way that they may have never shared with anyone else. But that does not make you indebted to them.
The beauty of St. Paul's experience with having you and Ruth, is that you did not simply lead. You nurtured us and helped us grow. You (both) provided us with thoughtful insights and equipped us with tools that will help us continue on as a congregation that is better and stronger and more faithful. We will be okay and we will be better. And I will personally be forever grateful to have had you both in my family's life.
Growing up, and in the early years of marriage we were suseptable to moves....very hard at the time but many silver linings. I will say that now being settled for 8 years and being on the "left behind" side of the equation, I get that it is tough too...but I know the sadness comes from the fact that there is something pretty great that is being lost....so as Dr Seuss says so well..."don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened" I am smiling....
I don't bark, or bite.
Perhaps I could be accused of being a "Burrower", but I don't mean to be. Just a busy time of year with work, and JNAC and stuff.
I agree with all of the above.
I'm smiling too:)
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