The cover article from the July 24th issue of the Christian Century certainly caught my eye. It is called Spiritual Cul-de-Sac: How the Church Fails the Divorced http://www.christiancentury.org/article/2013-07/spiritual-cul-de-sac and the date of the issue wa smack-dab between the two family weddings at which I officiated this summer. My brother remarried, and this was the first time I had ever presided at a second wedding for the same person. One of my wife's step-sisters, her close friend for more than forty years, remarried as well. Ruth was the witness for both of this sister's marriages. In both instances our family members had been married for about twenty years, a bit longer for one. Both had raised children with the first partners within conservative Christian congregations which emphasized family. When they separated from their first spouses they had a tough time because the break-down of marriages was frowned upon. People encouraged them to reconcile (preferable in some cases, but not always possible or safe) and prayed for them. Somehow though, they felt judged by many and in the end both left their congregations with disappointment.
I wish I could say that we do a lot better in mainline churches but there is a fair amount of side-taking or, worse, total silence in too many instances. Divorce is painful for people, even when they are convinced that the marriage needs to end, and seldom is that pain acknowledged skillfully or compassionately. A befuddled "oh well" is hardly much better than a sanctimonious "I'll pray for you" but too often there isn't much in between. Pastors struggle as well. There is next to no seminary training for responding to divorce even though our congregations have many divorced people. While these folk founder, seek direction, heroically rebuild lives, we are often mute, or at least muffled as to how God can be present in the tough transition.
I am convinced that just about everybody who is a Christian takes their marriage vows seriously as they make them, but where is God and the faith community when things come unraveled? It is that much worse when there is betrayal or abuse or the divorce becomes adversarial. Too often individuals leave a relationship determined to be civil and fair because of his or her faith, only to become embroiled in the divorce equivalent of thermo-nuclear war.
In the article author Carolyn Call, a pastor who never expected to be divorced from her pastor husband offers that "God wants those who are divorced to flourish, to be forgiven and to be loved." I believe this is true and I will endeavor to demonstrate this conviction in practical ways, even though I figure I will never get it right because divorce is messy and unpredictable.
I am happy for both the couples I married this summer. They have found someone with whom they can share love and companionship and trust. Whatever has occurred in the past, they have taken the courageous step to start over and we asked God to bless them on their journey.
How do you feel about the way you have supported family members and friends who have gone through divorce.? If you have been separated or divorced, how did your congregation do? Should divorce support be a higher priority in congregations, along with offering opportunities to strengthen marriages?
Some local churches have ministries set up especially for divorced people - I am not sure what their focus is - I would hope it is for reassurance of God's love for them, and to assist those affected in rebuilding whole and healthy lives ... may be something to look at . We certainly do have people in our congregations whose marriages have broken up. And it is hard for congregation members to know how to respond to both parties - very sad when one partner feels he or she has to leave their church family/home, too. Maybe we need to find out from these folk, if it is possible to do so, how they would like us to respond to them...
ReplyDeleteBeen there...felt the embarrassment and the shame...once I left the church I felt it had forgotten me. Few members reached out with Christian love...thank you, it meant a lot. When I returned to the church I found the gap that had developed was both part my negative self-talk and part the awkwardness of others in how to deal with the issue of divorce. I think if I had stayed, the sheer foundation of Christianity would have mended all. I think it would be wonderful if this issue was death with more in seminary training so to add yet another facet to the concept of leading by example.
ReplyDeleteThat would be dealt with...oh the embarrassment returns!
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you suggested finding out the perspective of those in the church who have gone through divorce Judy, and that Not Alone offered her thoughts. I think this is very important and that we do more than say that we are not judgmental toward those who are separated or divorced.
ReplyDeleteYour insights are very helpful Not Alone, particularly the negative self-talk aspect. So many feel diminished by divorce and need to be lifted up by the tangible expression of God's love experienced through the Christian community. I'm so glad you came back. We all benefitted from your presence.
I figured out the death, dealt, thing. We can blame all on auto-correct! Blessings.
I have also been through a divorce and felt shunned by my church.....no support.....nothing. I had been an active member, raising our kids for many years. I left the church for a long time ..I kept my faith and have returned to the church. I, too, would like to see seminary include this topic of study!
ReplyDeleteThe scary thing is that in their awkwardness peoplle are often silent and that silence can feel like condemnation. It can be worse than unkind words. I'm glad you came back as well Lynda. Another person who has so much to offer.
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