Dementia and Dignity

David Nisbet with his father, Dinsmore Nisbet

2 Sister, let me be your servant,

let me be as Christ to you;

pray that I may have the grace to

let you be my servant too.

3 I will hold the Christ-light for you

in the night-time of your fear;

I will hold my hand out to you,

speak the peace you long to hear.

The Servant Song Voices United 595

In the months immediately before I retired a fine, elderly member of the congregation entered so deeply into the throes of dementia that he had to be institutionalized. He was the first to tell me that he had dementia at morning worship and he did so openly and without self-pity. 

He and his wife were close and she did her best to keep him at home, but eventually he became abusive, which was totally out of character. It broke her heart to see him become a very different person because of his illness, and the staff at the nursing home never met the gracious guy with a sense of humour. She tried to take him out from time to time but his condition made that awkward, and they no longer came to worship or went out for a meal. She suffered in her loneliness, even as he dealt with the confusion of dementia.

I read recently about a man in the Washington DC area who wanted to honour his dad who died of dementia this summer. David Nisbet helped care for his father, Dinsmore, and would take him to restaurants. But he would brace himself for the possibility of outbursts and he would sometimes feel sidelong glances from other customers. He wished there was a place nearby to hold a “dementia night” so memory loss patients and their caregivers could know they were welcome.

Jim and Sally Tweel, founders of Jim’s Steak and Spaghetti House

He approached the owner of Jim’s Steak and Spaghetti House, a well-known family restaurant started by a couple who both died of dementia-related causes. The son now runs the restaurant and in honour of his hospitable parents he will hold a once-a-month dementia-friendly evening. 

It's important for businesses and communities of faith to make sure that those with dementia are welcome. David Nesbit eventually had some cards printed to show people at restaurants and grocery stores. "Please be patient,” read the card on one side. “The person with me has dementia/Alzheimer's disease. Thank you for understanding." Brilliant. 

I know of congregations where individuals in roles of leadership have developed dementia and the challenge is to remove them from their positions with grace and compassion -- not always easy! With an aging population and congregations we really need to figure out how to be the consistent loving Christian community for those whose memory is fading.