The Profound Loss of a Child, Public or Private

 

                                                      Chrissy Teigen, John Legend and baby

I am uneasy about our "overshare" society where every moment in peoples' lives is communicated via social media. Too often it is an idealized portrait of our lives, leading to envy and despair in others. We have seen how some individuals have become "famous for being famous" on social media, without much talent for anything other than manipulation of their images.

So, I was first of all wary, then admiring of entertainers Chrissy Teigen and John Legend when they announced yesterday that they'd lost a child midway through her pregnancy. Teigen had been sharing on social media that she'd developed issues which jeopardized her health and that of the baby. This was the sad outcome, which was obviously devastating for both parents. 

For so long miscarriages and even stillbirths have been silent losses for parents without much consideration for the grief experienced by parents. Yet they can result in depression for those who've gone through the loss, and fear of another pregnancy. Loss can put a tremendous strain on relationships as well.

When each of our three children were born I was almost immediately confronted with the deaths of much wanted children, including a baby who went full term but tragically died during birth because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. Ruth knew the mother and they went into hospital around the same time. 

These losses had a profound effect on me. As I celebrated the birth of each of my children I felt not only sadness but an element of guilt. Why had my child survived? 

As a result I began offering to conduct funeral services for these precious ones, with whomever the family chose to include. They were usually family gatherings, some in funeral homes but most in less formal settings. Some parents chose to name their lost child, which I spoke aloud within the service. I saw that the sorrow was as real in this situations as with the deaths of young children or adults. I realized that it was the loss of the person of the future rather than the past. Perhaps the most poignant was twin girls who were nearly full term. Their tiny bodies were  present at the service and it was shattering to look at their perfect little faces. 

Last night one of the anchors of the evening news we watch spoke of her own loss through miscarriage in response to the story. While it had occurred time before she was emotional as she spoke of the courage of Chrissy and John in sharing their story. 

We can all keep in mind how important it is to support those who experience this form of loss. Whether it is a card of condolence, prayers, encouragement to hold some form of memorial, we bear one another's burdens.