The Sin of Partner Violence

 

A couple of weeks ago a man in Sault Saint Marie Ontario shot and killed his three children and his former partner before taking his own life. In the aftermath we found out that he had a history of violence and I would imagine there was a restraining order against him. This measure does little to stop those who engage those who engage in the cowardice of violence against those who are vulnerable.

When I heard about these murders many thoughts went through my mind. There are thousands of women and children who live in terror in this country because of what we now term Intimate Partner Violence. Over my lifetime we have termed it "wife-beating" and then Domestic Violence and now IPV or Gender-Based Violence. 

I also thought about Ruth, my wife, who was an outreach worker in a shelter for women and children leaving abusive relationships for a decade. She would regularly help women develop safety plans to leave their abusive partners, often in conjunction with police. The day of departure, often done secretively, and the days following, tend to be the most dangerous time for women and children taking this brave step. I tried not to worry about Ruth's safety in those moments. 

Today I read the opinion piece in the Globe and Mail newspaper by writer and human-rights activist Sally Armstrong with the title Intimate Partner Violence is not just a women's issue. She refers to what transpired in the Soo and her observation that once again it has prompted calls for more shelters and the possibility of longer stays. Armstrong offers that this puts the onus on women for what she rightly calls the abomination of IPV rather than changing men. In the bad old days society often blamed women who were abused for making men angry, still the pathetic excuse of cowardly men. 

Armstrong calls for strong censure of men in every sphere of life when they are violent toward women and I agree. She also mentions speaking to a large congregation in Toronto: 

Afterward, the pastor asked me what on Earth the church could do about violence against women. If religious leaders stood in their churches, mosques, synagogues, and temples, and told their followers on their holy day that harming your partner is a sin against God, that would be doing something.

Amen to this. It is a sin, and communities of faith need to say so.

 In part because of Ruth's work we worked to raise the profile of the local shelter and the subject of partner violence. At least ten women from the congregation approached Ruth through the years, sometimes because of their immediate circumstances and just as often because a loved one was in an abusive relationship. They were often dealing with shame and concerned that they and their children would be stigmatized. A number of them became clients. The frustration for Ruth was that when she offered to speak in area places of worship pastors and priests -- all male -- often assured her that this was not an issue in their congregations. She was pleased when the local Seventh Day Adventist pastor invited her to his pulpit during regular Saturday worship. 

At the end of the article Armstrong says: 

Now it’s time for the men to act. Our sons and our brothers and the leaders and icons of men – the coaches, the professional athletes, the CEOs, the politicians – their voices can alter these repulsive statistics. We need men to talk about femicide, to help society hold perpetrators responsible, to hold any political or judicial structure that reinforces misogyny to account.

Stop making this a women’s problem. It isn’t. It’s a men’s problem.

Another Amen.