But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died
I Thessalonians 4:13-14
In my final pastoral charge an elderly man with stately bearing began attending worship. I had no idea who he was but a member expressed her mild surprise that he was there, given that she had lived in the same condo building for years and she couldn't recall him ever coming to church.She mentioned that his wife had died a couple of years before and that he made a trip across town every day to visit her grave.
He arrived early so one morning I slipped into the pew, introduced myself, and offered to visit him. While he seemed taken aback by this suggestion he agreed and that week I found my way to what was a huge condo with a commanding view of the Bay of Quinte. He told me with some pride about his distinguished military career, including several years as an attache in New York City. As he told me about his late wife he softened, admitting that he hadn't moved any of her things in their bedroom nor rearranged the furniture which she had carefully chosen. He pointed out a vase with flowers which were his wife's favourites and that when he bought them he imagined bringing them home to her. Over the next couple of years I visited this man several times, including during hospital stays in which he admitted that he looked forward to being reunited with her.
How do we measure grief and how long should it persist? I thought of this man and many other parishioners through the years when I saw the title of a New York Times article, How Long Should It Take to Grieve? Psychiatry Has Come Up With an Answer. The latest edition of the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, sometimes known as “psychiatry’s bible,” includes a controversial new diagnosis: prolonged grief disorder. This supposed form of mental illness refers to a small percentage of grieving people who are incapacitated, pining and ruminating a year after a loss, and unable to return to previous activities. With the diagnosis there are suggested treatments.
There has been an immediate response from those involved in grief counselling who reject the idea that the length of time to grieve can be quantified or that extended grief should be diagnosed as mental illness.
I ain't a shrink but through the decades I learned that grief is a profound mystery and that I was no predicter of how long that process might take. There were people in life-long loving relationships who seemed to recover relatively quickly from loss, even remarrying in their 80's. There were others who spoke to me about their grief and it was so real that I thought that the loss was recent, only to discover that it had occurred a decade earlier.
Some mourned the death of a miscarried child even after another had been born. Parents who lost a young adult child in a terrible accident eventually parted ways because the agonizing grief of one for exceeded that of the other. A fair number of people mourned pets as though they were human, and I wondered at times if they would experience the same grief when a grumpy partner died!
Should there be a "prolonged grief" mental illness? Some people do seem stuck in grief, to the detriment of living full lives. Still, I am somewhat leery at the prospect. Keep in mind that Queen Victoria wore black, the "widow's weeds" for 40 years after the death of her beloved Albert. Was she mentally ill? And many cultures and religions set periods for mourning.
In many funeral and memorial services I included the verses from Thessalonians above. I've always hoped that our Christian faith and resurrection faith makes a difference to our sense of loss, even though grief should never be denied. And while I still have moments of grief recalling loved ones and friends who have left this life I find comfort in that promise.
Do we all need a healthy dose of clouds in these stormy times? My Groundling blog
https://groundlingearthyheavenly.blogspot.com/2022/03/clouds-heavens-moment-were-in.html
Queen Victoria and her children in mourning
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