Earlier this week I had a conversation with a number of my colleagues about the growing reality of "unchurched" folk in our society. Although there is an increasing percentage of "religious nones" (a pollster term) many still want to avail themselves of the services of organized religion. It means that people who have no connection with churches seek weddings and funerals which require the involvement of clergy. Our discussion revealed that we are weary of these requests, in part because many, although certainly not all, don't want much religion in the ceremonies and services they are requesting of religious professionals. All of us admitted that we are doing less of these "generic" services, aware that while some may think it is outreach, we often get the sense we are one of many items on a checklist.
That said, I have found myself responding to three situations in the past couple of weeks. A dedicated member asked if I would conduct a memorial service for his father. While the dad was not religious, he is, and felt he needed the solace of a service of worship. So I presided.
Last week a colleague on the other side of Toronto phoned asking if I would go to Bowmanville cemetery for a commital. He had done the funeral but the few minutes in the cemetery would require four or five hours of travel time. So I stood at the graveside.
Today I will conduct a funeral service for a man in his twenties who died in his sleep. He was a healthy, hard-working guy, and now he is gone. The funeral home phoned yesterday to say that the scheduled minister would not be doing the service. Would I fill in? With less than twenty fours notice I said "yes" because we will be in Rotary Park this Sunday with other congregations, which changes my preparation time. I met with the stunned family, loving people who are searching for answers which will probably never be found.
Not one of the deceased was a member of St. Paul's but there were connections with a member, a colleague, and a funeral home I work with on a regular basis. This probably won't happen again for a long time, but here we are.
The hard reality is that we can't be chaplains to the world. What are your thoughts about clergy involvement in the "match and dispatch" of those who are long removed from the faith community?
8 comments:
I believe that people want a minister for hatching, matching and dispatching because these are rights of passage. Some people believe if you do not get married by a minister it is not legal. It takes courage to do something outside the norm. There are expectations put on people to do certain things. I would like to think that performing these services are a part of outreach. I think over time churches have gotten very closed in reaching out to people.
In my opinion it "goes with the territory". I understand the frustration from the clergy, however, you often have no idea how your words or your actions affect people. Who knows....you just might see the family or friends in church one day.
If a minister in the United Church hadn't married us, we probably would have had to make do with a trip to city hall. I was Catholic and so "forbidden" to marry my heathen soulmate unless he became Catholic. He would have went through the ordeal if I had wanted it, but forcing a religion on someone didn't make sense either. There are so many reasons that people are slipping away from the church, and part of it is the sound of doors closing, so maybe the 'hatch, match, dispatch' at the very least shows a door still ajar.
I am back from conducting a funeral service for a young man who died suddenly and therefore tragically. In about 24 hours I went from the plea of the funeral director to be involved, to meeting with a family I did not know, to preparing and conducting a service for a chapel packed with folk I had never seen before, to conducting a commital in a cemetery half an hour from Bowmanville. At the cemetery the sister of the young man said, "I believe God sent you to us," which was a very kind comment and I was glad to be of comfort. If you don't mind me saying so, doing this sort of work requires sensitivity and skill.
I simply can't do this for everyone, nor can any other minister. Every physician, dentist, veterinarian, lawyer has a practice. Why? They can't respond to every request, even when they are urgent. There are emergency services set up in other professions to address crises, but not in ministry.
I would remind you that I am a Christian minister whose deepest desire is to be faithful to my calling -- as a Christian. I have had three conversations with funeral directors recently who tell me they are weary of people coming in to say, I'm not religious, I don't want religion in the ceremony --get me a minister.
I would suggest too, that rather than becoming closed, most clergy are asked more than ever to respond to people who are not part of their flock. It is the nature of a secular society. But we too are human beings who need family and restorative time. How often must we change plans, give days off up, make excuses to loved ones, for the sake of total strangers who say -get me a minister?
Food for thought.
I agree that ministers should not be at the beck and call of society. A group of lay ministers should be set up to do the hatching, matching and dispatching of people not involved in a church. Maybe this should be brought up at conference level. It would free up ministers for their own congregations and give jobs to other people. Just a thought.
It does seem alot to expect and ask of a stranger, and strangers, who are the life and life line of these institutions on all the other days of the year(s).
Church folk are, and are expected to be "nice" but I don't think God expects us to be doormats either.
I must admit at times I have been to "special event" services in churches that I feel like I am the hypocrite, 'going through the motions" of something very dear to me with someone who has given very little thought to the religion/theology behind the service and rather just signed up for the tradition of the service.I ponder the outreach of this?
As Pupil as an example though, some not affiliated with the church, truly have a desire to have a relationship with God.
A tough one for sure...especially around funerals, unplanned and tragic.
Thanks for the earlier responses and the later additions.
I'm inclined to agree with Laurie about training officiators for weddings and funerals. It would allow for weddings to happen in unconventional settings, it would move away from the hypocrisy Laura mentions, and it would allow these folk to seek reasonable financial compensation for their services.
As a minister in a small community, I find there aren't a lot of options for people. When it comes to funerals, I usually make myself available to anyone. I do not do funerals in funeral homes as we do not have one in the community. The services are in the church or at the graveside. I have never felt obligated to take God out of the service. I do feel that if they have asked for a minister, then they are also asking God to be a part of the service.
Weddings are a little different. Funerals are a compassionate way of helping and supporting a family in the loss of a loved one. If I were asked to preside at a wedding but asked to keep it secular, I'm not sure I could. Our church created a policy last year that states that a couple cannot use the church building for a ceremony with a marriage commissioner. If they would like a marriage commissioner involved, s/he would need to be in partnership with the current minister and it would be a religious ceremony.
I do admit that many of the funerals, baptisms, and weddings I've done are for people that I never see again in the church. This is sad, but it seems to be a reality in our church right now.
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