Navigating our Goodbyes With Respect & Joy

 

                                               From the New Creed booklet, illustration by Gary Crawford

... In life, in death, in life beyond death,
    God is with us.
We are not alone.

    Thanks be to God.

I'll begin with thanks for your comments on blog entries which I posted in advance for my time in the United States. I can see your responses while I'm away from my computer but it is challenging to respond. I was in Maryland for the memorial service of my Aunt Jo who died nearly a year and a half ago at the age of 92. The service was a family affair in terms of attendance with just over 30 relatives cramming into the home of one of my cousins for the occasion. 

I was the presider for the service while my brother, my niece, and her husband, provided lovely musical leadership. The time together was personal, reverent and irreverent, solemn and funny -- just the way she would have wanted it. My cousin who is also a David made a real effort to get things right in terms of the service and committal and we chatted back and forth beforehand to do so.

The experience reminded me once again that it is important for families to consider what they want to have happen as a collective leave-taking when the time comes for a member of a family. In so many instances the conversations don't happen before death and can become a mess once it arrives. And even though our society is far less religious than it once was as well as inclined to more casual gatherings, most people want to have a tone of dignity and respect for their loved one. 

While my cousins and their families aren't a church-going crowd, for the most part, they wanted to include scripture and a couple of hymns, along with a reflection on resurrection hope. We did that while also including reminiscences with a lot of laughter. Even with lots of preparation they hadn't thought about what the focal point of our gathering space would be and I coached them through that, and we steered away from some hymns which just wouldn't have been singable in that setting. 

When the other David shared what he would like to include in the service I suggested that it would take 45-50 minutes, which turned out to be accurate. Originally they'd thought about gathering at the gravesite but that's a lengthy time to keep everyone focussed outside, and eventually wind and rain kiboshed that idea. The committal in the cemetery was deferred to the next day and while it was brief it was meaningful. 

All to say, it's important to have the open and practical conversations about leave-taking, even if none of us really wants to face the finality of it all. We have friends who are contending with family bickering and an impasse after the death of a brother and it's hard on everyone. 

I'm glad that I could provide some direction and the family was really grateful about the structure and tone we decided upon. There are ways to do that preliminary work which will make the process of grief and addressing loss less painful and hopefully more celebratory.