When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors were locked where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”
John 20: 19--23 NRSVue
Good friends overnighted with us as they return home to southwestern Ontario after a family birthday party in Kingston. I asked who was present and wondered why a grandson, a young adult, wasn't mentioned. I was taken aback to hear that he has distanced himself entirely from this family, and has taken the drastic measure of changing his last name so that he won't be sought out by them. I know that this must be very hard for our friends because they love their children and grandchildren and they too have been cut off from this young man and I'm sure they wonder if they will ever see him again in this life.
I don't know why I was surprised by this sadnews. This is a Christian family through the generations but one of the parents of the grandson has been very controlling and their faith has been stern and rules oriented. So, he chose to walk away from this stifling and destructive dynamic.
I've mentioned before that during 40 years of pastoral ministry I spent more time talking with parishioners about family alienation, forgiveness, unforgiveness, and reconciliation than anything else. I saw how calcified hearts could become in the midst of the woundedness even with those who had a strong faith. If asked if they believed in God's forgiveness in Christ the answer would usually be yes. Yet in their own families it seemed impossible.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are actually fairly straight forward if no human beings are involved. I suppose that's why there are some significant stories of family unforgiveness in the bible -- think Cain and Abel Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers. There are lots more. Read those sagas in Genesis and you'll realize that while eventual forgiveness and reconciliation can occur, by the grace of God, it doesn't necessarily come quickly or without twists and turns.
Coincidentally or providentially, our friends will be attending a seminar at their church this week on forgiveness and reconciliation. The presenter is a psychiatrist who figures that if the struggle for reconciliation in relationships suddenly disappeared it would put a lot of shrinks out of business. He will do his best to help folk differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation.
It didn't take me long as a young ministry to realize that encouraging forgiveness because Jesus had forgiven them was a dumb tack to take with people in pain. I did see that forgiveness is a possibility and that sometimes reconciliation is as well. But there can't be insistence for others and in many situations reconciliation isn't possible even when we choose to let go of the straightjacket of anger and pain.
Forgiveness may be extended to the other, and we may do so for Christ's sake. We need to realize that forgiveness can set us free whatever the outcome in the broken relationship. Do we really want to walk around carrying that heavy burden?
I do like that quote from Lewis Smedes although it is only part of the picture of forgiveness. I figure I'll never understand what that post-resurrection verse in John's gospel means but I'll keep on trying.
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